I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
