This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
