I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
