Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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