census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
that may or may not have been my penis.
Shame - the story of my life.
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