"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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