Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
