im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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