Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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