We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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