it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
