trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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