Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
