I just pynch a tree in the face
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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