I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
