I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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