You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
