Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Randomize
