For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
