turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
