It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
