You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize