the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
