My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize