Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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