So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
