my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
