xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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