im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Randomize
