Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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