omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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