I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize