The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
whose ass print is on the piano?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
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