note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Randomize