I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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