Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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