Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
