at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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