I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
