Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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