If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
