when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
