This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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