good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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