i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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