at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
