if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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