No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
