glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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