I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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