The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
