I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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