I faked an abortion last night.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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