Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Randomize
