just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
