Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
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