This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
