I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
