I have demons in me.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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