shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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