Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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