I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
