when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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