i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
