Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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